Love A Lot

Adoptive parents have the best intentions.  They really do.  After all, they have stepped outside their comfort zone, embraced a child and are now attempting to give their newest family member the best life possible.  That deserves some serious credit.  While most adoptive parents will tell you that they, not their child are receiving the blessing, there are still some serious kudos to give up for adoptive families.

That said, I would like to address these wonderful, selfless parents for just a moment.  Sometimes your best intentions are not always well thought out.  Specifically when it comes to sharing your child’s story.

Many adopted children carry a heavy load with them.  They may be the victims of neglect, loss, violence and an unnatural separation from their birth family.  Parents have the huge task of unpacking that heavy load with their child, bearing their burdens and helping them reach a place of healing.  Part of that task includes understanding the child’s story and protecting it.   Parents often divulge too much of their child’s story in an effort to help people understand why they are adopting or to prepare others to understand the child once they are home.  Try to imagine the following scenario for a moment:

You walk into a new place for the first time.  It smells odd, there are strangers everywhere, they try to talk to you but you don’t understand them.  They give you things, they hug you, they look friendly but they are really invading your space!  Now imagine that all these people who are crowding you, overwhelming you, also know the most intimate details of your life.  They know about your past, why you are here, what you did or didn’t do.  They know things that were yours to tell, when the time was right, when you were healed and ready.  Not simple things like not having enough to eat but major, life-altering events and they know it all.

What I am asking you to consider is this: how will your child be affected by what you choose to share? Parents need to protect their children not expose them.  Please consider this when you talk about your child with other people, when you update your facebook or write your blog.  While sharing their story may help you heal it does nothing to help your child.  Consider keeping a journal or private blog to help you work through the details of your child’s story.  Sharing confidential information with a few close friends or a support group is also beneficial for parents and does not override the child’s need for privacy.

In case you just read this and are thinking, what in the world can I share?

Here are some appropriate things to share about your child:

• Their age and where they are from
• Their personality
• You may allude to the fact that there are some background issues to work through, but not share details
• Pictures of your child in good spirits, photos that depict hardship should not be shared publicly.  Please be aware that some countries do not allow you to share pictures until the adoption is finalized.
• Milestones
• Stories about their trip home or homecoming
• Stories about visits to their orphanage
• Fun stories about how they are acclimating to your home, first experiences etc.

Steer Clear of:

• References that demean the birth family/birth mother
• Details that point to how the child was relinquished or became an orphan
• Details about past violence
• Medical details about the child