Love A Lot

By: Annemarie Williams

I’ve been back a few days and the post-Haiti process still continues. There are so many thoughts in my head at one given moment-I’m trying to adjust yet desperately trying to hold onto all the memories from last week, while struggling to make sense of both worlds. I find myself looking thru all of our team pics and video, just to make sure I don’t forget a face or what happened last week.

To be part of a team is always special. To be a part of team that is hand-picked by God is divine- even “Super Veto” as we like to call ourselves. We each heard the call to GO, made the effort and preparation to do so, and then made ourselves available to see and do God’s work. And we had a blast doing it. But let me tell you, that first day at the orphanage was just downright hard. It was not what I pictured at all. After leaving, the week’s tasks seemed simply insurmountable and I felt overwhelmed and defeated. How in the world was there enough to make them feel loved in one week’s time?  How could we do anything to make a difference with all they were facing in their environment? Encouragement from experienced team members and staff got us thru to another day. In particular, I remember Dan telling us that we can’t do everything, but we are called to give a cold cup of water. Okay Lord, be my water source and let me splash some of you on them.

The next day started with VBS and it was wonderful. To get to sing and dance with the kids thru praise and worship in a church built through Crazy Love was incredible and surreal. It gave intense focus for what we were there to do. Afterwards I still felt nervous, but God-charged for the day. The planner part of me struggled to just slow down and not be in charge of countless activities (most of which won’t work in this environment anyway.) But God kept pushing me to slow down. Later, I remembered a neighbor had sent soccer balls with me and I suggested to my group that we play soccer. Valierre’ in particular was thrilled at the idea to kick some balls around. It was during this time that God said “See, you can do this. You have 2 boys of your own and you know how to kick balls in the backyard. That’s all he really wants to do to.” It was just downright fun. God had given me a piece of his confidence to keep me pressing on towards the goal of showing love.

The third day we held a clinic for minor cuts, blisters, boo boos, etc. We were so excited about doing this. I was the waiting room attendant trying to keep children that are nervous and excited in one general area. God reminded me that when you are the waiting room you color and I just happened to have a backpack full of coloring books. It was magical and we all loved it! Our last patient was 4 year old Delsen. He had a distended belly which Erica quickly diagnosed as worms. He also had a fever. We used our mama skills to try and get the chalky meds down and it was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. Not liking medicine is universal among kids! In those moments my heart connected with him and I became concerned for him like one of my boys. I spent a lot of time holding and carrying him around the rest of the week and one night I had the privilege of holding him for several hours while he slept thru movie night. He is the one I still worry most about now that I’m home.

This night we also made our first trip to downtown Jeremie for dinner. I was completely taken back by just how poor the city is. The homes, the beach filled with trash and random animals, tents, there was even a guy outside the restaurant with a machete guarding our bus just so we could eat. It hit me hard and opened my eyes to the culture there- how these kids fit into that and how critical the orphanage is for just giving them a hope and a future. Just a chance. A chance to eat every day, a chance to sleep on a bed in a safe place, a chance to go to school in a country where there is no public school system, and a chance to be exposed repeatedly to a God that created and loves them. I could really sense God revealing things to me like the pieces of a puzzle, one at a time, in His time. This was a big piece for me because up to this point I just felt sad and somewhat confused.  But God showed me that the orphanage can only be viewed in context of the Haitian culture- where this is no hope. I was so thankful for this understanding and I had a fresh perspective the next day.

One thing that I struggled with throughout the week was their strong need to own. First, they own people when you arrive (they “choose” you for the week as soon as you arrive and they close their group off and won’t let anyone else in), then they want for anything you have (repeated requests for your watch, shoes, shirt, backpack, boom boom, candy.) They try to claim your items in hopes that sometime that week you will choose them to be the lucky one to own something of yours. My own insecurities made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I was happy to give everything away but I struggled with how choosing one or 2 would make the rest of them feel. One early morning at the guesthouse gazebo God gave me a revelation that I hope to never forget.  He questioned me in my requests to Him- do I only go to Him when I need something (for me or someone else?) Or do I just enjoy Him for who He is? Does all the stuff get in the way of being able to just sit and recognize Him as the creator of the universe?  Another piece of the puzzle was put in and I worked that day to see the children thru God’s eyes.

Each day I felt more prepared, we would stuff our backpacks with crayons, paper, simple crafts, chalk, etc. and pull out a few things at a time to do with them. I learned you can’t take everything out a once or it runs off in a few little hands! I was also learning how to communicate more with them and I was fascinated by this. As I sat with my usual group one afternoon God brought an older girl to me that I hadn’t met. We sat and read a book about Easter for what seemed like long joyous hours.  We did this sitting on the concrete floor in the church, sweaty, dirty and with kids crawling all over me but the sense of focus He gave us was incredible. It was one of my favorite parts of the week. God knew I needed something tangible to see a progression, a hope, just right at that moment and He granted me that. I could also feel God growing my love for them as individuals, they were no longer a “group” of kiddos at the Long Hollow orphanage in Haiti. They were Delsen and Brinnia and Sanchez and Gonel and Valina and Sophia and on and on. They are like all other kids, they laugh, they pout, they smile, they want things, they come and go, but what they want they want the most is love.

The last day was remarkable. God showed up in a big way and showed us that He was in control. We got to see an orderly side of the kids that made me recognize that they were His and this whole “thing” was right under Him at all times. We spent the afternoon hanging with the kids and I recognized how far God had brought us during the week- both in relationship and feeling comfortable there. I had built up trust with several of them. I had brought a Preds jersey from home and I put it on 4-year-old Delsen. It hit me that he looked like one of mine now (as my boys wear Preds jerseys constantly.) And I really feel like he is. He’s got a small piece of my heart that I never want to get back because I hope it makes him feel loved from a mama far away across the ocean. I had a few quiet moment with Delsen and his brother Gonel and it hit me that they were the exact ages of my boys (4 and 8.) I hadn’t realized it until that moment that God had brought them into my life to surround me that week. Neither of us had any clue that we were so perfectly matched, but God did.

As we were leaving to go hear the children sing their goodbye songs I felt a great sense of peace. God reminded me that he just called me to GO. I was obedient to the call, and he had taken care of the rest, all the while revealing himself and His plans for me and for them in a personal way.

I’ve heard others say in a joking fashion “Haiti, where all your career dreams come true.”  We laughed about this when we ran the clinic one day with only 1 person with any type of nursing experience (Erica) and one who had participated in clinic there before (Kinsley.) But as I think back the phrase rings true as I think of all the roles God allowed me to be in: servant, teacher, mama, friend, praise and worship leader, dancer, soccer teammate, craft person, big hugger, nurse, team member. I also got to be the recipient of so much: the kind of love that they are willing to fight for, student, listener, constant handholder and hugger, smiles, seeing light bulbs turn on as they learned new things, their pride at showing me what they had  (their rooms and photos from past teams) or could do (sing, draw, color, dance.) As I reflect and struggle to apply what I’ve learned I’m struck by how often I might miss the roles and opportunities that God has for me daily because I’m clouded by how complicated things can be here. How I so often get caught up in the details of life and maybe miss the whole point of what God has for me.

There are pieces left to this puzzle. Now I’m left to figure out what they are. What my next steps are in this journey because now that I’ve been there, I know. I’m changed. I have a responsibility. I have a love for them. My perspective is different. When I was up one night this week with a sick Alex I thought of Delsen who I held last this time last week with the same fever.  When I took him to the doctor the next day I thought about how there is no doctor readily available for our kids to go to for meds for the big and little things.  In the same way, I have come to know my Lord and Savior in a compassionate loving way that I would never have understood in my warm little house in Hendersonville. He views me the same way he views them, thru the lens of his son “Jezi Christ.” I am so thankful he chose me to GO. And while I pray for their protection, for their hope, and for their future, I know that mine lies in the one who is faithful and trustworthy. And he’s just downright crazy about all of us.