Love A Lot

Have you ever been in the midst of an adoption discussion?  Most likely you heard words like, referral, dossier, home study and waiting thrown around as if everyone with a brain should immediately comprehend what in the world that all means.  I remember doing some initial research on adoption before we started our process and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out the correct way to pronounce dossier.  (which, by the way, is pronounced Dos-ee-ay)  Consequently, I avoided using the term until I heard our social worker say it at least 6 times.  Only then did I tentatively throw it into the mix during conversations.  For those of you who are new to the adoption process or have friends/family in the adoption process, I have put together a little list of adoption terms.  Hopefully this will arm you for those obscure references and make you feel like part of the club rather than someone trying to decipher a foreign language.

Dossier: A set of legal documents which are used in an international adoption to process a child’s adoption or assignment of guardianship in the foreign court.  This thing is nuts to compile, basically a full time job.  If your friend is currently putting one of these together it’s probably appropriate to a. offer child care or b. bring meals thrice weekly.  Adoptive parents typically sleep with this under their pillow in case of fire.

Home Study: A process through which prospective adoptive parents are educated about adoption and evaluated to determine their suitability to adopt.  Parents will also spend a significant amount of time compiling documents and fearing social workers during this time.  Good news?  The social workers are actually pretty fabulous.

Waiting: Pretty straight forward.  This comes after all documents have been turned in to the right people and before you are matched with you child.

Matching: The process of bringing together qualified prospective adoptive parents and willing birth parents who are compatible with each other and who can agree on the terms under which the adoptive parents can adopt the child.  Many times there are not birth parents involved in the process, in this instance the agency will match a child to a family based on age, family status and many other factors.

Referral: A child referral is when an agency matches what they know about you and your family with what they have learned about a child from an orphanage and the caregivers.  This is a HUGE day for families in the waiting process.  They will receive their child’s picture and files on referral day.  Basically an all out tear-fest.  Typically the family will allow an international pediatrician to view the file and offer advice.

Equally important to terms used in adoption are the terms used to talk about the child and the circumstances surrounding the adoption.  Not all topics surrounding an adoption are appropriate to ask/talk about.  Families have every right to keep elements of their child’s adoption private.  However, if you are in a situation that allows for some of this discussion to take place it is a good idea to utilize the following terminology.  The following list is from the Focus on the Families “I care about orphans” website.

Accurate

Birthparent

Birthmother/birthfather

Parents/mom/dad

My child/Their child

Making an adoption plan

Deciding to Parent

Child in foster care

Waiting Child/Child in need of family

Birth Child

International adoption

WAS adopted

Physically abused

Typically developing child

Child with Special Needs

Incorrect

Real Parent/natural parent

Real mom/real dad

Adoptive parent/adoptive mom/adoptive dad

Adopted child/own child

Giving away/relinquishing/putting up for adoption/put up

Keeping the baby

Foster child

Adoptable/eligible/available

Child of their own (very offensive)

Foreign adoption

Is adopted

Beaten/hit

Normal child

Special Needs Child

If you just read the list and have come to conclusion that you have probably offended everyone you know who is currently in the adoption process, that’s probably not the case.  However, it is important to be sensitive when speaking about certain subjects pertaining to adoption.  Adoption IS something to celebrate, but adoption is also the result of an unnatural break in a child’s history.  We owe it to them to treat their stories with dignity and respect.